School did not treat me kindly. I was always a poor student, constantly on the brink of failing but just barely scraping by. I did not discover my passion for math and physics until my senior year of high school. Before this I never particularly "enjoyed" math. But while taking introductory courses in calculus and physics, something just clicked. I kept making little connections between the two subjects, and felt a desire to find more. Since then, my research in mathematics and physics has become a primary source of happiness in my life. But my feelings about math have not changed. My first semester of graduate school was a brutal reminder that I enjoy the parts of math and physics that I'm interested in, but not the rest. It was very difficult for me to accept that this is ok.
"today is the fourth time in the past year I have been told by my (new) college friends that it's strange how passionate I am about physics and calculus. On one hand, this really lifts my spirits, it reminds me why I'm studying physics. Sometimes I have all this passion for math and physics, but I worry I will waste it."- Early 2018
Eudaimonism is the ideology that happiness can come from the process of one's self-actualization. For me, the feeling of "improvement" that comes from learning brings me an immense amount of joy, and my discovery of this is arguably the reason I am alive today.
"What if one day, I lose that passion?"- Early 2018, same entry as last quote
After discovering my love of math and physics, school became both a major source and a major barricade for my happiness . My degree required I take many courses unrelated to math or physics and I was frequently unable to study the mathematicsI found interesting because I did not have the free time or the mental stamina to do it in conjunction with my school work. A certain guilt became attached to any extracurricular math studying because I felt like I was wasting time that should have been spent on my classes. Of course, these classes were necessary if I wanted to continue studying math and physics. I was aware that sometimes one must perform short-term sacrifices in the pursuit of long-term happiness. But I found myself asking how many short-term sacrifices I could take.
"I have lost that passion." -2018, 2 months after the last quote
Now, just to be clear: it took me about a year in college before I lost almost all motivation to do math. My suicidal thoughts had returned stronger than ever before, and I was overall not having a fun time. If this makes me a bad student, incapable of self-discipline, and weak then so be it. But somehow I made it through, and that doesn't just count for something. It's everything to me.