I was a terrible student throughout primary school, barely scraping by in all of my classes. But while taking introductory calculus and physics in my final year of high school, something clicked. I kept making little connections between the two subjects, and felt a desire to find more. Since then, my research in mathematical physics has become a primary source of happiness in my life. But my feelings about math have not changed. My first semester of graduate school was a brutal reminder that I enjoy the parts of math/physics that I enjoy but not the rest. This is a literal tautology, but it was difficult for me to accept that this is ok.
"today is the fourth time in the past year I have been told by my (new) college friends that it's strange how passionate I am about physics and calculus. On one hand, this really lifts my spirits, it reminds me why I'm studying physics. Sometimes I have all this passion for math and physics, but I worry I will waste it."- Early 2018
Eudaimonism is the ideology that happiness can come from the process of one's self-actualization. The feeling of "improvement" that comes from learning and research brings me an immense amount of joy, and I don't know if I would be alive if I had never discovered this.
"What if one day, I lose that passion?"- Early 2018, same entry as last quote
After discovering my love of math and physics, school became both a major source and a major barricade for my happiness . My degree required I take many courses unrelated to math or physics, and as a result I lacked the free time and stamina to study the math/physics I liked in conjunction with my school work. Guilt became attached to any "extracurricular" studying of math because I felt like I was wasting time meant for my classes. Of course, these classes were necessary if I wanted to continue studying math and physics. I was aware that one must often perform short-term sacrifices in the pursuit of long-term happiness. But I found myself asking how many short-term sacrifices I could take.
"I have lost that passion." -2018, 2 months after the last quote
It took a year of college before I lost all motivation to do math/physics. My suicidal thoughts had returned louder than ever before. Was I a bad student? Was I incapable of self-discipline? Was I weak? Controversially I will say yes to all three. Because it is ok to have moments of weakness. It's ok to lose motivation and the ability to self-discipline. It's ok to be a bad student. Obviously it is highly unpleasant, and should be avoided if possible. But to get through those times, to get better, and to take proper precautions to avoid repeating it, I first had to accept that I may not always live up to the artificial expectations of others or myself. My life is not in service of success. My sucesses are pursued in service of living a good life.